H2G2 Storytime III: From Prussia with Love. Part XXXV
Created | Updated Nov 18, 2006
Almost a world away, at a distance beneath the Earth's surface of approximately a mine shaft or three, a cat rested, luxuriously.
It was having it's ears stroked and it liked that.
It arched it's back, stuck it's bum up in the air, stretch out it's two front legs and stretched contentedly, as the fingers of the person it was sat on traced back and forth over it's neck.
Life, in so far as cats are able to consider such matters, was good.
Idly the prospect of lunch crossed it's feline brain as several instinctual process began to persuade it that it was hungry.
It began to scan the room for something to eat. It's hearing was razor sharp, but it could detect no birds, only a constant drip, dripping noise of water against roughly hewn stone.
The idea of finding food was gathering pace now in the feline consciousness, and it decided to leave, but a firm pressure of the stroking hand held the cat in place and it miaoowed in discomfort and glared up at the Big Creature doing the stroking.
Rasputin was seated in the central domed chamber, with blue flickers playing across the ceiling. The Cast-Iron Laundry Wringer was installed on the altar in the centre, and some bunting was hung around the walls. Annabel stood off to one side, massaging her temples and wishing the end of the world would come soon, because she had a migraine coming on.
The cat in Rasputin's lap gave another distressed hiss and again tried to leave, but the Monk's grip was implacable.
Rasputin, reached over and pressed a buzzer then brought a microphone close to his lips, the feedback hummed painfully then settled.
"I'm going to try a little trick, pirate, and I want you to tell me if you find it amusing. Are you ready? Here we go..."
The cat didn't understand any of this, mere background noise to his own affairs, which right now involved finding something to eat, he began to clean his claws
The Big Creature above him was fiddling with something the cat wasn't paying attention to.
It looked across the room at the Female Big Creature who was now staring fixatedly at it, 'maybe she could give me dinner?' it thought, feeling again the pang of a stomach contraction and the desire to hunt.
As it looked across the room it felt a disquieting sensation of being torn slowly in two, or rather it felt it's stomach and the feeling of hunger stretching away from it, as though it's entire body was being stretched. Only it wasn't it's body being stretched but something else. The edges of his vision became blurred as the light coming into his eyes stayed on his retinas and his consciousness escaped embodiment.
Nevertheless he was able to sense a glow on the horizon which approached at great speed (or was the cat's mind approaching it, it had no way of telling) It was ghastly. A maw of tooth and claw gnashing and tearing into itself, as each slice of flesh were removed it renewed itself as before and this mangled form screamed in agony and madness. The two minds crossed paths and the cat felt the heat of the creature that burned in hot flame. But that it lacked a body, the cat's mind bowed and lowered it's tail. It new a bigger predator when it saw one.
And then suddenly it was like falling out of a tree but revolving yourself in mid air, and landing on all fours; the giddying confusion of the last few seconds resolved themselves into a kind of normality.
The cat found it had four limbs again and two sets of eyes.
It felt different though. Somehow bigger.
It looked down and there were a group of...Big Creatures stood in front of him looking perplexed and terrified, the cat was used to being feared and saw no wrong in this. It yawned, and the Big Creatures all ran away and hid.
The cat needed to clean its back and so extended the 16 inch tongue covered in poisonous barbs and dragged the appendage across it's scales and spikes.
"Meeow" the Leicester Demon roared.
After the group of big creatures had run off a second time, the Cat in it's new bigger form set off again looking for lunch, prowling the stone corridors beneath Stone Henge.
It hadn't been doing this for very long when something very unfortunate happened to it and it was sucked into an inter-dimensional rift when the reality warping properties of the Cast-Iron laundry Wringer of doom, through which occult forces were funneled and directed, finally exploded, inverted, imploded and then exploded again.
The resulting whirlpool of anti-matter created intense gravitational pulses that fragmented the ancient druidical stonework benath stone henge, and the last thought the cat had as it's feet were drawn out from under it, and it felt itself falling into a hole that opened up before it was, "I want a BIRD!" - and then it was gone. Destroyed like everything else.
Except that unlike everything else, the demonic body occupied formerly by The Red Leicester and currently by the mind of curmudgeonly old cat, was forged in the very lowest Pits of Hell and as such obeyed none of the typical natural laws of the universe, such as dispersing into its component atoms on arriving at the event horizon of a black hole.
Instead it lingered on in The Void.
Though it now had three stomachs one of which capable of devouring molten steel, the cat was still nonetheless fixated on the prospect of catching a bird for lunch. The drool from it's fanged mouths dribbled UPWARDS and then evaporated.
The increase in brain mass as the cat's consciousness had transferred into the demon's body had given the cat a slight but significant cognitive boost and it realised that by dint of effort, will and imagination it was able to move it's body around the utterly black, non-environment of the place outside the universe. Slowly it grappled with understanding the laws on temporal mechanics and eventually it became the first being, let alone the first non-human to accurately calculate the appropriate means of achieving Time-Travel.
"BIRD" it thought.
The texture of reality began to shape around it, there was light, red light, then purple, yellow, green, and now deepest blue, as time raced around the demon.
Fixated one this one thing "BIRD" the body of The Demon flew through the other side of the universe until it came crashing through the barriers of reality with a boom the shook galaxies, like a fiery comet, The Demon Careered through space heading back towards the Earth, the only place in the Known Universe where the bird form had evolved.
It's only conscious desire was firm: "BIRD."
And like a line reeling in a fish, The cat's conscious wish was reshaping the universe; reordering it, in order to place the cat where it needed to be.
Encased in the indestructible body it had inherited it came hurtling into our solar system, and saw the Blue Orb of the Earth spinning silently away beneath it, it hit the atmosphere head on, and immediately burst into flames. The warmth of the friction felt good to the cat, as the scales of the hell-beast heated up for the first time since it left the Foundries beneath Megiddo where it had first come into being.
Continents were visible beneath it, and clouds. The Cat was having the time of it's life.
The fire left him now as the Hell Beast careered into the Earth's lower atmosphere. The Ground appeared closer now, coloured white.
Things were becoming visible below, Great Cities, Fantastic Rivers and Oceans, The Cat cared for none of these - it's quarry was a "BIRD" and the pulling of the desire and now a new feeling of gravity were impossible to resist.
And then it saw it.
A Vulture circling patiently high above the desert. The effect was awesome, the cat extened it's claws, and razor sharp barbs and talons extended from every limb. Like a porcupine conceived in the mind of Francis Bacon, this nest of poisonous frills bore down on the hapless creature like a malevolant spider, the cat reached for the bird. extended it's inner jaws and snatched the bird out of mid air.
The vulture gave a protesting yelp but it was of no use and it vanished ina small puff of feathers.
The Cat, hunger barely sated, now began to appreciate the problem of the advancing ground.
It knew just what to do.
Rolling over as it fell, it twisted around until it's legs were pointing down and then with surperb feline grace, the Hell-Demon landed with naught but a whisper in the soft sands of the Sahara.
Right behind a man, perched on a rock over-looking a plain, who was holding a very large stick.
The vulture had been an okay snack, but pickings were lean in the desert, and it had been mostly feathers and bones.
This Big Creature however, was plump and looked meaty.
Arthur took down the mirror-on-a-stick from above the passenger side window, turned to X and Jimmy. "Did you see that?"
"What?" said X
"I'm not sure" said Arthur, "Something dropped out of the sky."
The assassin was a suddenly acutely aware that the texture of the situation had changed, he felt exposed...and vunerable. "They couldn't have outflanked him could they?" he thought and turned around.
Bad Idea.
Cats don't like Birds who see them coming.
The Cat leapt
The Assassin fired.
Inaccurately as it turned out because The Demonic Cat was on him in a fraction of a second.
His screaming was terrible but brief.
"Did you hear that?" said Arthur amid the growling, and snapping of bones emanating from beyond the dune.
Arthur stood up cautiously to look, X and Jimmy did also.
There was something moving beyond the sand dune, they couldn't see clearly what it was, but it looked BIG - a tail flicked in and out of sight.
"Do you get many lions in the desert?" X asked Jimmy.
"None that I know of." Jimmy muttered uneasily.
"Gorillas,maybe? Feral Wolves, perhap?" X chanced again.
Jimmy shook his head.
"Lets just pray whatever it is, it isn't going to come any closer." said Arthur not taking his eyes off the creature. "Get down!" he said suddenly.
The Cat finished trying to extract the last of the meat from the open carcass and looked up.
Nothing but sand and that funny metal box, but that didn't look like food. In fact the cat no longer felt all that hungry, instead it felt that it had found the largest litter box in the world and it felt like using it.
So to add to his indignity, the Demon widdled all over the dead sniper and began to bury him.
Then the beast moved toward the metal box, ready to unload its unwanted cargo...
We've got to get out of here!", whisper Arthur.
"But we're a sitting target!", said a stunned X
Jimmy nervously looked for his rifle in the back of his jeep, and loaded it.
"What are you doing?!", said a shocked Arthur.
"I'm wishing it happy valentines day, what do you think I'm doing?", he took aim and fired a shot...
The cat was slowly coming to acceptance with it's new demonic inheritance and was momentarily surprised, it scratched at its right cheek where something had bounced off. It wondered where it had come from... there were more people behind the kitty box. It wasn't hungry but it thought it may have found some toys...
"Get inside, Get inside!" Arthur urged
Jimmy and X piled into the cabin.
Arthur slammed the door behind them,
"wait!" X mouthed wordlessly at the glass
Arthur reached under the tarpaulin on the back of the jeep and felt around for something to fight with.
The Creature was close now, It was on the other side of the truck. He could see the massive bulk of it's back encrusted with scales and spines shuffling around. He could hear it sniffing at the wheel arch Arthur's hand creapt onto something roundish and heavy.
He withrew his arm and opened his fist to reveal a grenade, from one of Jimmy's stash.
A hoof stamped down and then another limb this one with rippling musculture and reptilian hide had huge black talons growing between each toe, The Creature stood upright and in one swipe took away the Tarpauline leaving Arthur hideously exposed.
Inside the cab, Jimmy was offering up prayers to any number of dieties to aid them, as he desperately turned the ignition key over and over, pressing on the gas, trying to will the engine into some sort of life.
X was looking through the glove department for a weapon, dragging out reciepts, unpaid bills, warrants for arrest and a small forest of parking ordinace violations.
Jimmy looked up at the photo he had plastered with peeling sellotape to his sun visor of a dusky 7 veils dance
"by the prophet..." he whispered one last time.
And suddenly the engine gave a roar, Jimmy pressed the accelerator and it gunned another throaty rumble.
"ha-ha! it works!" he hugged X
Arthur was weighting the grenade in his palm, judging distance and trajectory, wehn suddenly the jeep shuddered and he heard the engine ignite.
He leapt up onto the back of the jeep which had been converted into a small flatbed truck without the awning, rapped on the portal window with his knuckles..
Jimmy hastily set the jeep into gear.
With a judder they were away. leaving the Demon in their dust.
X sat back in the cabin - he'd couldn't remember the last time he'd been so terrified - 'actually that was a lie' he conceeded to himelf. 'I do remember'. 't was when Leicester shot Arthur in that silo.' 'I thought he was done for that time.'
X didn't want to admit it - but the way the thing had looked at him had been oddly familiar, and yet strangely sympathetic.
Suddenly X was rocked forward by an explosion.
Arthur was stood legs astride, as he braced himself against the rocking of the jeep going over the desert at speed, the wind whipped his hair about and his rawkishly undone top buton on his shirt flapped about maddly.
From the cascading dust of the last grenade, the creature emerged at full pace, charging.
He dipped his hand into the box of grenades and drew out another.
He pulled the pin, and threw it, it arced high again, and thudded into the sand.
The Creature slowed to a halt and bent down to sniff at this curious curate's egg. It exploded right in his face and scorched his nose causing him to rear up and paw at his head.
As the creature again receeded from the escaping jeep but quickly gave chase, Arthur came to the inevitable conclusion:
"It's following us!"
With the snapping, snarling cat-demon closing on the jeep, Arthur cast a glance backwards and gulped.
"Must go faster!" he muttered, rooting through the back for things to throw out.
The Jeep rolled sharply and Arthur hit his headly sharply on the side.
Arthur put a hand to his forehead and saw that his fingers were lined with blood.
He didn't know whether the creature was just naturally tempremental or whether it had smelt it, but it seemed to go into a frenzy, pursuing the jeep harder and faster than ever before.
The Jeep roared across another ditch and valiantly attempted to climb another dune,attempted to climb another steep sand dune, but couldn't get over the top, the engine started to splutter and stall.
"No!" shouted X he was drowned ut by the metalic THUNK of the Creature launching itself at the jeep and landing on all fours with it's head resting over the back bumper.
Arthur was knocked clear off balance, knocking over a number of boxes of military hardware and landed on his back, the angle of the dune where the jeep had become lodged was steep, he began to slide towards the creature.
Arthur grabbed at one of the bits of military stationary and by chance grabbed a passing hunting knife, he rolled and rammed it into the side and hung there suspended.
The Cat recognised this game. It was called 'swipe and try to eat the the dangly thing on the fuzzy scratching post.' It reared up against the broken metal of the jeep's rear bumper and unhinged it's jaws. They opened wide and Arthur had a view straight down it's gullet, past rows and rows of masticating saw-like teeth.
X leaned out of the portal window and extended his hand.
"Arthur! Reach!" he shouted.
"Little hard to do that!" Arthur shouted back straining against the tired muscles in his arm to keep holding on.
"I can't reach you!" X bellowed desperatly.
"Try harder!" Arthur replied in alarm, swinign his legs higher as the cat continued trying to snap at the heels of his shoes.
Just then a strange sound like a kind of whinnying honk assailed them.
Stood on the Dune, sillhouetted against the sky was one of the countries rare Desert Goats. It's proud horns worn in Leia-like spirals about it's noble brow, it's shimmering coat of white fur, and a temprement of homicdal lunatic on a hair trigger.
The goat took aim at the cat-demon.
The Cat, recognising this as a rival challenge to the fuzzy scratching post game, left Arthur dangling. It turned to face the goat and grinned.
The Goat was having none of this, it stamped it's hoof and lowered it head for a charge.
Arthur looked up at X and with his other hand waved him down. "now! now! now!"
X opened the portal window again and just for a second held onto nothing at all. He feet caught against the back of his head rest in the front and he was now hanging outside of the window. He touched Arthur's fingers and Arthur stretched out and caught X's outstretched hand.
X pulled him up and Arthur used the knife handle as a step to allow him to climb into the cabin, he grabbed X by the belt and pulled him in after him.
Jimmy slammed off the handbrake and pressed the clutch, the jeep rolled down off the dune, the wheels turning gave the engine the speed it needed. Jimmy, floored the gas and the engine roared into life again. Jimmy, X and Arthur started out of Jimmy's window at the scene unfolding before them.
The goat and the cat demon were circling each other. The goat gave another sinus wobbling bleat and the creature growled a bassitone rumbled. Two great beasts.
The Goat charged. The cat lowered it's head.
The Goat prepared to ram the demon.
The cat extended it's new inner-jaw and snatched the goat in two; head, horns 'n' all, leaving just the two bloody hind legs.
"%&*"£$!!", said Jimmy,
"$%&* (£$^&!", X agreed.
"^^£ $"%! !"@#!", Arthur murmered in unison.
There was a slient pause, as the three of them took in the sight of the cat demon slurping the last remmnant of a large intestine through it's teeth like a noodle.
"I think we're gonna need a bigger goat." X managed at last.
