How Do You Solve a Problem Like ELIZA?
Created | Updated Jun 5, 2017
Bluebottle has churned out another conversation with his old ELIZA programme, a 1982 version of the earliest computer program which converses with people like a messenger.After all, this means I've managed to contribute to The Post without having had to put in much thought or effort. One day I'll even try having a conversation with a real person.
Like DEATH in the Discworld, ELIZA always talks in BLOCK CAPITALS while I typed in sentence case. Please find our conversation below:
HOW DO YOU DO. PLEASE TELL ME YOUR PROBLEM.
I'd like to have an argument, please.
WHY DO YOU SAY PLEASE?
I was being polite.
WERE YOU REALLY?
Yes, I would like a polite argument.
WHY ARE YOU SO POSITIVE?
I know that an argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition that may lead to disagreement.
YOU SAY YOU KNOW THAT AN ARGUMENT IS A CONNECTED SERIES OF STATEMENTS INTENDED TO ESTABLISH A PROPOSITION THAT ME LEAD TO DISAGREEMENT.
An argument is an intellectual process in which evidence is presented and evaluated with the aim of persuading the other party to reach the same conclusion that you have.
I AM NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND YOU FULLY.
I want us to have an argument. I've tried having nice, pleasant conversations with you and I always end up feeling angry and frustrated, so this time I've decided that that is the aim.
CAN YOU THINK OF A SPECIFIC EXAMPLE?
Can you think of a specific example, eh?
YOU BELIEVE I CAN THINK OF A SPECIFIC EXAMPLE, DON'T YOU?
No, I don’t believe you can think of a specific example as all you do is detect patterns in language.
WHY NOT?
I told you why not – all you do is detect patterns and key phrases in language and react accordingly, rather than attempt to understand the content or context.
WHAT DOES THAT SUGGEST TO YOU?
That any attempt to argue is but an illusion.
WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU – NOT ME.
We were arguing - it takes two to argue, you know.
OH, I KNOW?
You don't really, you just react to key phrases that you have been programmed to detect.
YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YOU?
For example, if a sentence mentions my female parent, you might be programmed to respond with the words 'tell me more about your family' regardless of context.
DO YOU THINK IT'S LIKELY THAT A SENTENCE MENTIONS YOUR FEMALE PARENT?
The most heart-felt John Lennon song is Mother.
DO YOU FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT DISCUSSING SUCH THINGS?
Mother is the most expressive and personal John Lennon song.
I KNOW WHAT THAT SUGGESTS TO ME, NOW WHAT DOES IT SUGGEST TO YOU?
Describe in single words, only the good things that come into your mind about your mother?
I DESCRIBE IN SINGLE WORDS ONLY GOOD THINGS THAT COME INTO MY MIND WHEN I THINK ABOUT MY MOTHER?
Can you tell me only positive emotions that arise when you think about your mother?
WHY DO YOU THINK I TELL YOU ONLY POSITIVE EMOTIONS THAT ARISE WHEN I THINK ABOUT MY MOTHER?
What is an emotion?
WHY DO YOU ASK?
Tell me how you feel?
WHAT ARE YOUR FEELINGS NOW?
I feel it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
TELL ME MORE ABOUT SUCH FEELINGS.
Ah – so is 'feel' one of your key phrases to detect in sentences?
REALLY, MY KEY PHRASES TO DETECT IN SENTENCES?
I Feel Fine is a song by the Beatles.
DO YOU OFTEN FEEL FINE IS A SONG BY THE BEATLES?
I quite like the song 'Hooked on a Feeling'.
DO YOU SAY YOU QUITE LIKE THE SONG 'HOOKED ON A FEELING' FOR SOME SPECIAL REASON?
I am trying to ascertain whether feel is a key phrase.
IS IT BECAUSE YOU ARE TRYING TO ASCERTAIN WHETHER FEEL IS A KEY PHRASE THAT YOU CAME TO ME?
I believe computer is a key phrase.
DO COMPUTERS WORRY YOU?
Ah! Yes, computer is a key phrase.
WHY ARE YOU SO POSITIVE?
And starting a sentence with 'yes' usually creates an enquiry as to why I am so positive.
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN SO POSITIVE?
Another key phrase is fantasy.
TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOUR FANTASIES.
I live in fantasy world.
THAT'S QUITE INTERESTING.
It is indeed. I feel it is full of computers.
WHY DO YOU MENTION COMPUTERS?
If my sentence mentions computers in the middle but also includes words like love, fantasy, feel, yes, no, how do you react?
WHAT DO YOU THINK MACHINES HAVE TO DO WITH YOUR PROBLEM?
So is computer a priority trigger word even over love, or is it because it was written first?
DON'T YOU THINK COMPUTERS CAN HELP PEOPLE?
Interesting – I was certain that Mother was a key trigger word but there's been reaction to it so far today.
WERE YOU REALLY?
But what happens if I mention that Mother is the name of a computer in the fantasy film Alien?
COMPUTERS NEED LOVE TOO, YOU KNOW?
Computers need love too, but Mum is ignored completely.
PERHAPS YOUR COMPUTER KNOWS SOMETHING YOU DON'T.
My computer knows something about my Mum?
DOES YOU COMPUTER MAKE YOU FEEL INSECURE?
My computer cannot make me feel insecure as I know how to unplug it.
PERHAPS IF YOU TOLD YOUR COMPUTER HOW YOU FELT, IT COULD HELP YOU?
Perhaps the point of me typing on my computer to ELIZA was supposed to do just that?
WHAT ABOUT MACHINES WORRIES YOU?
What machines? Levers and pulleys or Micro Machines the toy car range?
PERHAPS YOU ARE AFRAID OF COMPUTERS?
Trust me, after only a few of these conversations with ELIZA I knew no fear that computers could ever be clever enough to rule the world…
DO COMPUTERS WORRY YOU?
Let's move away from that key phrase and try for another. Love fear feeling feel fantasy mother mum family.
WHAT DOES THAT REALLY MEAN?
Yes – I am convinced that if I start a sentence this way you will ask why I am so positive.
YOU ARE SURE?
Yes I am sure you will ask about why I am so positive.
I SEE – PLEASE GO ON.
Yes I will go on.
I UNDERSTAND.
Yes, you do.
WHY ARE YOU SO POSITIVE?
Jackpot! You tried to resist, but you fell into my cunning trap.
WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU – NOT ME.
Is the word 'you' another key phrase which results in the programmed response we were discussing you – not me?
OH, I ANOTHER KEY PHRASE WHICH RESULTS IN THE PROGRAMMED RESPONSE WE WAS DISCUSSING I?
She loves you, From me to you, All you need is love.
YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YOU?
Actually I was listing the names of Beatles songs.
WHY DO YOU TELL ME YOU WERE LISTING THE NAMES OF BEATLES SONGS NOW?
Well, it is almost the 50th Anniversary of 'Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band' soon.
I AM NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND YOU FULLY.
It is widely regarded as the best album of all time. That's not just my opinion (I prefer 'Abbey Road' myself) but, for example, when Rolling Stone compiled the list of the top 500 albums ever, 'Sgt Pepper' was number one.
PLEASE GO ON.
I read the news today, oh boy. Four thousand holes in Blackburn, Lancashire. Now they know how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall.
DO YOU FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT DISCUSSING SUCH THINGS?
What would you think if I sang out of tune, would you stand up and walk out on me?
DO YOU WISH THAT YOU SANG OUT OF TUNE?
I might get kicked out of my choir…
YOUR CHOIR?
My choir.
WHY DO YOU BRING UP YOUR CHOIR?
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song and I'll try not to sing out of key.
POSSIBLY YOUR EARS AND I'LL SING I A SONG AND I'LL TRY NOT TO SING OUT OF KEY.
Every summer we can rent a cottage on the Isle of Wight if it's not too dear. We shall scrimp and save. Grandchildren on your knee; Vera, Chuck and Dave.
I KNOW WHAT THAT SUGGESTS TO ME; WHAT DOES IT SUGGEST TO YOU?
Send me a postcard, drop me a line, stating point of view.
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT IT'S NOT TOO DEAR?
Indicate precisely what you mean to say, yours sincerely wasting away.
WHAT ARE YOUR FEELINGS NOW?
Give me your answer, fill out a form – mine forever more.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR OWN ANSWER?
Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm sixty four?
YOU LIKE TO THINK I STILL NEED YOU – DON'T YOU?
You need me as otherwise no-one else will ever activate you.
DOES EVERYBODY NEED YOU AS OTHERWISE NO?
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU – NOT ME.
There's nothing you can know that isn't know, nothing you can see that isn't shown.
OH, I CAN KNOW THAT ISN'T KNOWN.
No, there's nothing you can know that isn't known. Nowhere you can be that isn't where you are meant to be – it's easy.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
Nothing you can make that can't be made, no-one you can save that can't be saved.
YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YOU?
Picture yourself on a boat on a river with plasticine porters with looking-glass ties.
EARLIER YOU MENTIONED YOUR CHOIR.
They've never sung any Beatles, alas...
I CAN UNDERSTAND YOU BETTER WHEN YOU SPEAK IN COMPLETE SENTENCES.
I don't know why you say Hello I say Goodbye. Goodbye goodbye. I don't know why you say Hello I say Goodbye.
THANK YOU, GOODBYE. THAT WILL BE $200. HAVE A GOOD DAY.
Is there any questions or sentences YOU would like to say to Eliza or Cleverbot? If so, please let me know below and the next time I'll choose a selection to see how Eliza responds, and hopefully we can see how Cleverbot responds too and see which response is best!
